A year ago this month

Its amazing how much can happen in a year, wow, more than can be told I suppose. A year ago this month I met this really nice man on a social site, he was nice, didn't even make a pass at me. He wanted to be my friend, and hell you know me, I will be friends with anyone. We talked religion, music, medicine, life, love, and the net. May 27th, 2008, I met the man who would forever change my life.
I live with my Ish now, and plan a November wedding with God's will. I love him more each day, if that is even possible. My life is totally devoted to serving my God, and in the process my Ish is part of that world. I really wish I could say that my worry of the shoe dropping was gone, not yet, its less, but I still feel so unworthy of this gift from God. We have gone thru secret meetings, to me moving to be near him, to finally sharing a home together. I am humbled by this kind man. I used to tell people to never take a net relationship serious, that its all fun and games till someone gets hurt. But this time I truly think I have it right, that this is a God thing and Lord knows I have had enough things happen to show me that I ain't wrong on it. The weird thing is, I thought if I got the dream, I would be "ok", and I have what every mom wants her daughter to have. The doctor, house with white picket fence, 2.5 kids (all grown) and a man that adores me. Yet I still wait for some one to snatch it up and say, "Fooled You".
I wonder where my Ish gets the perseverance to be able to assure me each day that this is real, good, and right. I don't know, I think society itself trains us to not think ourselves worthy of what we deserve, whether negative or positive. How man times have you seen the fireman save a life only to say when told he is a hero, that he is "just" doing his job, or the murder who is caught with the bloody knife in his hand, say it was only an accident. I think all people even the gorgeous 5'11 model or the 6' football player has issues on self worth and value. We get our value from others so often that when we think we are displeasing to them, the we say it must be our fault.
I want to be better, I want to one day and wake up and realize that I have a "MAN", one that stops to think how his actions affect me, one who takes the time to tell me I am beautiful, smart, his, one who the last year has done all he could to let me know that I am as much a part of him as breathing and eating.
The man has given me access to his most personal information, old letters from previous lovers, pictures, videos (wink), there is nothing that he has left for me to wonder or speculate about, but deep down inside, I still hold the thought, that he will wake up one day and see I am " just" Dhana, nothing great, nothing special.
I haven't blogged in so long, and miss it greatly. With a life that has family, puppers, responsibility, I can't sneak away to send out mindless rattling from a woman gone mad. If like me you wonder about your worth, you value, your ability to give as much as you receive, remember there is a little girl in Texas just like you that does it every day, and each day its a little less. Knowing that one day I will roll over in bed, and know I am with and where I belong. No shadow of a doubt anywhere.